On Three
Chelsey Clammer

• In order to be considered a healthy weight, a 6′2″ man should weigh between 171 and 209 pounds.

• His oak dresser weighs 209 pounds.

• He is 6′2″ and 252 pounds and 52 years old. The dresser is in better shape than he is.

• It will take two men to move the dresser.

• It will take two men to move the dresser from a 3,128 square foot, five-bedroom house with a three-car garage and into a 26-foot truck.

• A football field is 50,000 square feet.

• 15.98 replicas of his house could fit in a football field.

• Every Sunday from early fall to mid-winter, he steers his screams to the football players on TV.

• Go Broncos.

• After his promotion, he had the 3,128-square-foot house built to his specifications for his family. Four years later, and one daughter’s in Houston for college and the other one’s in Georgetown for college, and he loses his job in Austin due to all of the drinking he did at his desk, and now he and his wife have to vacate the 3,128 square feet.

• In order to move a five-bedroom house, a moving company will send at least four workers to get everything loaded into their 26-foot truck within six hours. Six hours to move everything out of a five-bedroom house is plenty of time for four movers to get the job done, as long as everything goes as planned.

Ma’am? We have a problem in here.

• The oak dresser that is in better shape than he is, is not the problem.

• A king-size mattress should be wrapped in a protective sheet of plastic before it is moved onto a truck. At least 36 square feet of plastic is needed in order to wrap the entire mattress. The length of the plastic is not the problem.

• An unhealthy 6′2″ motionless man weighs down the mattress with his 252 pounds.

• Sales people promise a mattress will last 10 years before it needs to be replaced. However, the weight of the person on the mattress, as well as the duration of time that person spends on it, will vary this number. Indentations in the mattress can begin to appear in as little as two years.

• He lies in one of the indentations in the mattress, one of the two dips that proves he does not touch his wife at night, that she does not touch him, the separated depressions on each side of the bed like two shallow graves. His body fills the plot on the left.

• A handle of 80-proof vodka contains 3830 calories. If one were to subsist solely on a diet of one handle of 80-proof vodka per day, and if that person were to sleep the whole day and never exercise, then that person would consume a surplus of 1720 calories a day. At this rate, a pound would be gained every 2.03 days. That’s a pound every 48.018 hours. Last night, he consumed his liquid meal for the day, and then went to sleep after the Broncos game. And now he continues to sleep. He is, in fact, entering into his sixteenth hour of sleep, which means one-third of a pound has already been added to the 252.

Ma’am? We have a problem in here.

• In order for a person to hear you speak from 20 feet away, your voice needs to be projected at the force of 60 decibels.

• The movers stand 10 feet away from his bed. It is not he who responds to their 60 decibels, but his wife. She is 30 feet away from them and behind two sets of walls as she packs up the Fiesta Ware in the kitchen. Their voices are like a whisper to her, but she still hears them, or rather senses the sound of desperation brewing in the master bedroom down the hall.

• The movers look at him, at each other, at the wife as she enters the room, arms immediately crossing across her chest. He is a problem she does not know how to solve.

• Wuzzle: word puzzle consisting of combinations of words and letters to create disguised words or phrases.

• As in: NOONGOOD = Good afternoon

• As in:

• There is no getting up this morning.

• A 52-year-old businessman with no college degree who is fired because he drinks on the job possibly does not know how to solve the problem, either. Perhaps he doesn’t care to. Perhaps his life is a concept he will never get.


• It takes the brain .025 seconds to understand an image the eyes see.

• She stares at him as he continues to lie, conked out, the 3830 calories of 80-proof vodka weighing his body down.

• He was sober for 13 years. That’s 626 Mondays of sobriety.

• It is 11 o’clock on a Monday morning.

• After this relapse, he will drink for another eight years before he dies. That’s 416 intoxicated Mondays. That’s one final sip, which will tip his blood alcohol level to 0.46. That’s 5.75 times the legal limit (0.08).

• On this Monday, he does not reply to her when she says his name. The movers look at him, again, look at each other, at my mother.

• She sighs.

Just put him on the floor.

• A man who weighs 252 pounds has to steadily drink 28.5 ounces of vodka in order to lose consciousness. That’s just under a liter of liquor. That’s 19 drinks.

• I am 19 when my father doesn’t move on moving day.

• The movers have 36 square feet of plastic waiting to be used.

• She sighs.

Just put him on the floor.

• Lift with your legs, not with your back.

• On the count of three.