Tuesday, October 17 At 9:03 AM

Nina Shepard: Recent events have made me reflect on what it truly means to be a part of this vibrant community. I believe its more important than ever to maintain the character of Sjogren Court. That’s why, starting today, we’re imposing a $500 fine on anyone whose grass height exceeds the 4 inch limit. Your prompt compliance is appreciated! 

Nina Shepard: That’s right! The city sent a special team to fill it early this morning. Apparently they had this issue over in Hinsdale a few months back.

Isabelle Porter: So everything’s back to normal?

Nina Shepard: Well, almost. No one’s seen Colt or Chuck since Friday night.

Patty Whitmore: They still duking it out?

Nina Shepard: God knows. They’re big boys though, they can take care of themselves.

Kevin Sears: Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it.

Monday, October 16 At 8:29 AM

Alan Stern: No rumbling when I woke up this morning. I looked outside and the pit is… gone? 

Friday, October 13 At 6:40 AM

Chuck Connolly: Has anyone seen Sid? He never came home last night. Somehow I passed out in my La-Z-Boy waiting for him, even with all the rumbling. I dreamed he was trapped in an earthquake and skyscrapers were toppling down all around him. I woke up drenched in sweat.

Isabelle Porter: I checked his smoking spot behind the church and its empty. 

Kevin Sears: I didn’t see him grabbing a breakfast crunchwrap at Taco Bell either.

Patty Whitmore: Oh no, did the pit get him too??

Alan Stern: Let’s not overreact! Maybe he slept over at RJ’s.

Grechen Katz: He did no such thing! When I heard about the zaza, I tacked another month onto RJ’s grounding. Your boy has been a bad influence on my son ever since you moved in across the street. If you disciplined him with a firmer hand, you wouldn’t be stuck in this mess.

Chuck Connolly: Don’t you try to flip this back on me and my parenting! At least I let my son breathe fresh air. You keep that boy locked inside like an inmate, its no wonder he’s rebelling!
 
Sam Porter: The pit is turning us against each other! Don’t fall prey to its trap.

Chuck Connolly: Can it with that mumbo jumbo, Sam. 

Colt Barrett: I locked Sid in my shed.

Chuck Connolly: You what?

Colt Barrett: He’s ziptied to a chair in my garden shed. I didn’t hurt him in any way, I just restrained him. He’s perfectly comfortable. I gave him a bottled water and he’s watching Rambo on my iPad.

Chuck Connolly: You KIDNAPPED my child????

Colt Barrett: You saw my announcement yesterday. The neighborhood watch has zero tolerance for insubordination.

Chuck Connolly: I thought that was just a scare tactic!

Colt Barrett: He said he was going to feed the pit. That was a DEFCON 1 threat to the community. I did what I had to do.

Chuck Connolly: Wait until I tell Nina, she’s gonna exile your ass from the neighborhood!!!

Colt Barrett: Nina gave the order.

Chuck Connolly: Nina, Is this true?

Nina Shepard: I may have insinuated Sid was a threat…

RJ Katz: using the neighborhood watch as your brownshirts. classic authoritarian overreach smdh.

Chuck Connolly: I knew from day one you people would never truly welcome me as one of your own. I’m a single, blue collar dad and my townhouse is a far cry from your McMansions. But I never imagined how far your heads could be stuck up your asses! My mower conks out and suddenly you’re preaching about grass height. My son breaks your bogus curfew and you toss him in wine mom Gitmo. Unbelievable.

Nina Shepard: Your envy is showing.

Chuck Connolly: That’s rich coming from you. You play act like everything is fine and dandy with your freshly manicured lawn and your national merit son. But its all stagecraft. We know what your husband does behind the scenes.

Nina Shepard: What’s that?

Chuck Connolly: I would say ask Isabelle, but her mouth is probably full.

Isabelle Porter: Whoa, don’t bring me into this!

Kevin Sears: Take a chill pill, man!

Chuck Connolly: Kevin, we see you out there every morning drilling Sean on his jumpshot like you’re Phil fucking Jackson. Hate to break it to you, but there couldn’t be a worse vessel for you to relive your glory days. That boy is a theater kid—after you go to bed, he prances around in a leotard and belts showtunes into a hairbrush.

Rick Mueller: Come on Chuck. There’s no need to air everyone’s girthy laundry.

Rick Mueller: *dirty laundry

Chuck Connolly: Rick, you’re a walking indictment of corporate America. You fell ass backwards into a corner office and you can’t even spell “VP.”

Colt Barrett: Cool it, Chuck. Maybe I should detain you too.

Chuck Connolly: Colt coming in with the tough guy act. You know I asked my friend in the Marines about you. He said you never saw a lick of combat in Fallujah. You were a goddamn desk jockey.

Colt Barrett: I’LL SHOW YOU COMBAT YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! I’LL COME TO YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW AND DRAG YOU INTO THAT PIT!!!!!

Chuck Connolly: I’d like to see you try.

Colt Barrett: I’M AT YOUR DOOR PUSSY OPEN UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sid Connolly: when i heard what was happening on this cringe app, i had to make an account and see for myself. this is hella draconian. who elected you anyway?

RJ Katz: facts. look at this square, pulling off a coup like chancelor franz von papen.

Grechen Katz: Color me impressed with your history knowledge, boys, but that’s quite enough! Apologize to Colt. He’s only trying to protect our community.

RJ Katz: impressed with my history knowledge? i would hope so! you grounded me three weeks for skipping bible study—no tv, phone, or computer. i was damn near amish. i had nothing to do but read that wack-ass textbook. i finally finish my sentence and i can’t chill with sid?

Grechen Katz: Language, RJ!

Sid Connolly: i haven’t seen bro in weeks. its about time we blaze some zaza.

Grechen Katz: What in heavens name does that mean?

Colt Barrett: They’re smoking pot behind the church. I get a whiff almost every night during my patrols.

RJ Katz: patrols?? lmao. only thing you need to patrol is tj maxx for a new shirt. that punisher joint is holding on by a thread, my guy.

Chuck Connolly: Ha, burn!

Grechen Katz: Don’t encourage him, Chuck!

Sid Connolly: the pit is lookin famished. rj, i say we give it a snack…

Thursday, October 12 At 4:08 PM

Colt Barrett: Residents of Sjogren Court, the neighborhood watch is enacting a curfew. Anyone found roaming the streets after 8 pm will be placed under citizens arrest and detained in my garden shed. This is not a decision we made lightly, but we believe its in the best interest of our community. We can’t afford to let anyone else feed the pit. In times of crisis, certain freedoms must be relinquished for the greater good.

Sam Porter: The pit is taunting us! It conscripted our cul-de-sac into its twisted mind games. Do not be deceived—it moves with patience and cunning. Do not meet its gaze. Do not answer its call. Once it has you in its grasp, there is no return.

Kevin Sears: Whoa, let’s take it down a notch, Sam. What’s your prognosis, Alan?

Alan Stern: I would be careful about assigning agency to the pit. But, in essence, I think Sam’s right. If we simply ignore it, it might go away. That means stop talking about it, stop peering into it, and most importantly stop feeding it.

Nina Shepard: And if ignoring it doesn’t work, then what?

Alan Stern: I don’t know. But it’s the only idea we’ve got.

Colt Barrett: Thanks for the intel, Alan. The neighborhood watch will take it from here! 

Wednesday, October 10 At 7:31 AM

Alan Stern: Last night I popped in earplugs and delved into some research. I compared Ring footage from around the neighborhood and confirmed the pit is, in fact, growing. Each time it swallows something—the basketball, Biscuit, the gravel—its boundaries expand.  

Rick Mueller: Liv’s tantrums are going nuclear. She’s hasn’t got a wink of slut eye in days

Rick Mueller: *Shut eye

Chuck Connolly: lol

Nina Shepard: At this rate, Sawyer will lose his perfect GPA!

Chuck Connolly: Will you give it a rest about your son’s damn GPA?

Nina Shepard: I’m proud of my boy’s academic achievements, sue me! I won’t walk on eggshells just because you raised a chronic absentee for a son.

Chuck Connolly: Speaking of absenteeism, where’s your husband tonight?

Nina Shepard: Why, he’s at the B2B Pipeline Acceleration Summit in Austin of course.

Chuck Connolly: Is that your final answer?

Nina Shepard: What’s that supposed to mean?

Isabelle Porter: We’re all a little high strung right now. I’m sure Chuck didn’t mean anything by it. Let’s drop it. 

Monday, October 9 At 1:48 AM

Kevin Sears: For Pete’s sake, there has to be something we can do about this. The cul-de-sac sounds like a war zone! Our dogs are cowering in the bathtub like refugees and our china cabinet won’t stop rattling.

Colt Barett: That’s not thunder, that’s 15 tons of gravel, baby!

Nina Shepard: Please elaborate…

Colt Barett: We rented a dump truck and unloaded it into the pit. The city won’t help us 86 this thing, so we took matters into our own hands.

Nina Shepard: Did it work?

Colt Barrett: Not exactly… I think we somehow made it bigger. The thing ate the gravel right up and I swear I heard it belch.

Nina Shepard: Well, can you knock it off? Sawyer has to get his rest, he’s got a calculus exam in the morning.

Colt Barrett: The thing is, we did. We finished dumping the gravel at 1800 hours. 

Nina Shepard: So I’m hearing what, echoes?

Colt Barrett: Affirmative

Isabelle Porter: Do I feel the ground shaking too?

Colt Barrett: Yup

Nina Shepard: Christ almighty

Wednesday, October 4 At 9:36 PM

Nina Shepard: This is odd. I don’t see a cloud in the sky and yet I hear thunder rumbling? Am I crazy?

Isabelle Porter: Honey, why don’t you get some rest? I’m just wrapping up with this client in the city and I’ll be back soon. The supplier ran out of the granite we wanted and now we need to reimagine the whole decorating scheme.

Kevin Sears: The man raises a good point. Where the heck did this thing come from? And of all the cul-de-sacs in the world, why did it choose us?

Colt Barett: It thinks we’re weak. While we sit on our hands, it’s only getting bigger. 

Alan Stern: How can you be sure? We haven’t seen any evidence of growth—the rain washed the sidewalk chalk away.

Colt Barett: We haven’t seen any evidence AGAINST growth either, Einstein. And how do you explain the sounds?

Alan Stern: I can’t personally attest to any sounds. But if I had to guess, I’d say the hole is leaking hydrogen sulfide, which is known to cause hallucinations. That or this is some kind of mass psychogenic illness.

Colt Barett: Enough with the five-dollar words. I say we mobilize the neighborhood watch and plug this thing once and for all. Who’s with me?

Kevin Sears: I’m with you all the way, Colt!

Grechen Katz: Let’s smite it to kingdom come!

Alan Stern: What about Biscuit?

Patty Whitmore: There’s no use lying to myself any longer. Biscuit is gone. The last thing he would want is for the pit to claim another victim.

Tuesday, October 2 At 10:50 PM

Sam Porter: Where did the pit come from? What dark hungers stir within its depths? These are the questions I ponder as I sit in the glow of the waning crescent, tarot cards spread before me like a warning. One thing is clear: its power is growing. Listen closely, people of Sjogren Court—the pit is trying to communicate with us. I can hear Kevin’s yodels, Biscuit’s barks, the basketball’s ceaseless dribble through the abyss. Each time it feeds, the symphony grows.

Isabelle Porter: That’s so scary! I’m glad you’re safe.

Patty Whitmore: I appreciate you trying, Kevin. You put forth a valiant effort.

Nina Shepard: So sorry about Biscuit, Patty. The only thing we can do now is pray.

Grechen Katz: And pray we will! I’ll have Father Sulars say a few words for him at the service on Sunday.

Patty Whitmore: Thank you, Grechen. You’re too kind.

Friday, September 29 At 6:31 PM

Kevin Sears: I’m sorry to report that we failed to rescue Biscuit. Colt tethered me to my basketball pole and lowered me into the pit. Jeepers creepers, I’ve never felt so unsettled in my life! The darkness in there had a weight to it, like a blanket. Colt’s tactical-grade flashlight couldn’t do jack to cut through it. And holy mackerel was it cold—even my goosebumps had goosebumps! Pretty soon, the pit started playing tricks on me. Crazy as it sounds, I could hear my yodels from last week. The deeper I went, the louder they got until they damn near ruptured my eardrums. I had to have Colt pull me out before I lost my mind down there.  

Patty Whitmore: Oh, be still my beating heart! Start with the good news.

Colt Barrett: We found Biscuit!

Patty Whitmore: Thank heavens. What’s the bad news?

Colt Barrett: He’s inside the pit. We can hear him barking down there.

Patty Whitmore: … 

Thursday, September 28 At 10:42 PM

Colt Barrett: Search team is in from the field, ready for intelligence debrief. Its raining BUCKETS out there—far cry from those arid Fallujah summers during deployment. But we persevered and completed our mission. Patty, I have good news and I have bad news…

Kevin Sears: Biscuit is a hoot. Remember when he swiped the cocktail sausages at the Morrison’s barbecue? I’m sure he’ll turn up soon!

Isabelle Porter: So sorry to hear this! Biscuit’s fits are ICONIC. The scarf, the raincoat, the little winter booties. He always brightens my day.

Rick Mueller: Biscuit is deplorable

Rick Mueller: *adorable

Rick Mueller: damn autocorrect

Colt Barrett: Hold tight, Patty. I’ll organize a search party stat! Oorah!

Thursday, September 28 At 7:39 PM

Patty Whitmore: I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t enjoy my Bronte novels. My dearest Biscuit is missing. He slipped the fence yesterday morning. I checked his usual haunts—the fire hydrant on Blanchard and the bush where he found a chicken wing two years ago—to no avail. As I watch the storm clouds gather, I recall how Biscuit guided me through another squall: my divorce with Brian. I don’t know if my heart can take another night without him.

Isabelle Porter: Maybe? I can’t tell.

Rick Mueller: 100% man. It’s opening like a big hungry moth.

Kevin Sears: Moth?

Rick Mueller: *Mouth. Sorry, my fingrs are to fat for this new phone.

Nina Shepard: It def looks bigger. Unfortunately, the city can’t send someone til next month.

Colt Barrett: What are we supposed to do, wait for it to swallow us whole??

Grechen Katz: The first horseman is upon us! Repent for your sins before its too late!

Alan Stern: Let’s not jump to conclusions. When a patient shows up with an infection, I have them draw a line around it with a Sharpie so we can see if it’s growing. Then we know what we’re dealing with. Why don’t we try the same?

Nina Shepard: Ever the pragmatist, Dr. Stern. Fine, we’ll do it your way. Rick does Olivia still have that big pack of sidewalk chalk?

Rick Mueller: Yes mam! She’s out there hot saucing damn near every day

Rick Mueller: *Hot skopching

Rick Mueller: **Hopscotching

Tuesday, September 26 At 11:20 AM

Kevin Sears: Anyone else think the pit got bigger?

Chuck Connolly: Is this aimed at anyone in particular?

Nina Shepard: Nope, just a blanket observation.

Chuck Connolly: Uh huh…

Alan Stern: I don’t mean to derail the conversation, but it appears a bottomless pit has opened in the middle of our cul-de-sac.

Nina Shepard: Alan, if you bothered to attend an HOA meeting, you’d know the city is already aware of the pothole.
 
Alan Stern: This isn’t a pothole. This thing LITERALLY has no bottom.

Kevin Sears: He’s not pulling your leg. Sean and I were shooting hoops in the driveway this morning, and I busted out the Jordan fadeaway. The ball sailed clean over the rim and bounced down there. Holy guacamole, we are NOT getting that bad boy back. 

Chuck Connolly: I don’t care what these kids say, Jordan will always be the GOAT. Is Sean trying out for the team this year? 

Kevin Sears: Yessir! My boy has been practicing his pants off. Once he hits his growth spurt, he’s going to take the Chicago burbs by storm. 

Nina Shepard: Can we get back to the pit, please? Surely it has a bottom.

Kevin Sears: Not one that I can see. The thing echoes like a big empty cathedral. I yodeled down there just for kicks, and I still hear my voice bouncing around.

Nina Shepard: Ok thx. I’ll call 311.

Sunday, September 24 At 8:44 AM

Nina Shepard: I think some of us could use a reminder on the HOA lawn guidelines. As per section 12C of the handbook, all residents must maintain a grass height between 2.5 and 4 inches. Let’s keep Sjogren Court in ship-shape all season long!