Future Birthdays
Matt London

Not too long from now, the tune for “Happy Birthday” will be rewritten. Everyone will
receive a copy of the new notes. The new tune will require the attendants to sing about
birthdays in the alto register. Many people will give it their best shot. Many more people will
lose all their credibility. No one can hide in the baritone drone of the olden days. Certain
people will not be invited to birthday parties anymore. They may receive a note in the mail
asking to send a gift card along with their birthday wishes. Everyone in every community will
be known by their birthday singing. Elections will be swung on the ability to hit the high
notes on the “happy birthday” refrain, right before the person’s name is inserted into the
song. A lot of people will not get laid. Some people will even wet themselves out of
                            And not even families will understand.