I just popped a couple slices

of shitty white bread into the toaster.

I just humped the mayor of Northampton.

I just saw the Weiner Mobile crash into a giant sequoia.

I just took the “What big-box store are you” quiz and got Lowes.

I just took on-line quiz, “What Restaurant are you?”

and I got a sub shop I’d never heard of.

Going to Pottery Barn today!  Looking at tables!

A joke I like to make to cashiers in organic grocery stores:

you guys should carry Hustler magazine.

I just re-used some aluminum foil.

I just invented a new sport called swimmingball.

Last night I came up with broccoli ball.

I come up with new sports when I sleep.

Bill Clinton asked me to run his errands for him and I was like, “sure,

but lemme finish up this game of smoking ball first.”

I was walking in the park.  It was a piece of cake.

I had just come from the Dunkin Donuts.

It was raining and I had dashed into the Dunkin for cover.

I had wished I’d had an umbrella.

I asked them if they had an umbrella and they said, no,

no umbrellas, only donuts.

I was not in the mood for a donut.

I had just come from the super market.

I had waved a bag of frozen corn at the manager and said,

“How super does this look, mother fucker?”

The manager didn’t understand my question.

When you are old you can use anybody’s toothbrush.